Brad McConahay

I recently found a passing interest in “end times” study, sparked by a couple shows on the Discovery Science Channel regarding beliefs surrounding the Antichrist. Sorry fundies, I didn’t find “da lawd”, but along the way I did find one of the most entertaining pages I’ve ever run across…

The Rapture Index <-- CLICK!

“You could say the Rapture index is a Dow Jones Industrial Average of end time activity, but I think it would be better if you viewed it as prophetic speedometer.”

As of this writing, the index is currently at 158. The “Fasten Your Seat Belts” level starts at 145! *gulp*

My favorite category here is “Liberalism”. It never fails to amaze me how much extraneous inference this otherwise simply defined word carries amongst the politically angled and pietistically insane.

By the way, I can’t help but notice that a few of these categories would make great band names – Beast Government, The Plagues, The False Christs, The False Prophets, Kings of the East, Wild Weather – I think Food Supply was already used for an abhorrent 70s and 80s pop ballad band. No wait, that was Air Supply. If they weren’t a sign of the Apocalypse, then I don’t know what is.

Anyway, The Rapture Index is just one part of a site called Rapture Ready. It’s filled with all the usual inconsistencies of people who think they know how to interpret the bible, and know which parts are to be taken literally, and which aren’t.

Here are some quick tidbits I learned from the FAQ:

• You can help stop your effiminent son from eventually being homosexual by engaging him in activities such as fishing, hiking, hunting, building a model, and cutting the grass. Coincidentally, I just saw a crazy guy on “Cops” tonight who said that if he had a gay son, he would beat him every day until the gayness stopped. I guess it just depends on your management style.
• Vegetarians are a sign of the end times. And on a related note, animals have no soul. Wow, so vegetarians and animals are just like the RIAA.
• Angels are real and they always appear as male, although it’s not clear if this necessarily means that they have a gender. However, angels appeared so male in the bible that the Sodomites tried to “git all up in dey bidness”. Why wasn’t I taught this in Good News Club?!
• Christians and homosexuals are mutually exclusive. You can’t be both. Now that’s just gay.
• The antichrist might be gay. Apparently it’s certain that the antichrist won’t dig chicks. But they can’t decide if that means he’ll love himself, or other men. Personally, I think any antichrist worth his weight in evil could only love Indonesian shemales, which would make the whole issue very blurry indeed.
• Masturbation is okay provided you don’t think any adulterous or other immoral thoughts while in the act. I wonder if fantasizing about a three way with your spouse and a furvert is okay. Did I just say that out loud?

Here are some other highlights:

• The Mr. Antichrist Evil Pageant
• The “I Missed The Rapture. What Now?” Guide – (Rapture for Dummies?)
• Popezilla!
• King Kong is the Antichrist?
• Spring break!
• Lots of purple, um, animal baloons?

The writer mentions that he works in retail. Having worked in the soul-draining field of retail in a past life myself, I think I understand why he needs something like this to do. Everybody needs a hobby, and I guess prophecy is as good as any.

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 12th, 2006 at 5:58 am and is filed under The Big Picture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.